I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
