I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
