I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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