I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
