I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
