i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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