i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
