I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
