So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
