I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
