Please, let me fuck your mom
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
