the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
