When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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