did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
