He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He kissed a someone with a penis
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
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He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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