nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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