I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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