if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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