remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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