there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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