Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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