I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.