I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
