Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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