wrigley field is MILF paradise
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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