considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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