Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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