i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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