Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
