Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
