I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
