Cold hands, warm shart.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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