She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
