I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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