And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
