We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
