This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
