i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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