K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
