Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
