Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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