JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
