my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
