I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
