Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I am naked and annoyed.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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