This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So squirting runs in the family.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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