hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
