It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
