You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
