i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
