Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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