I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I came so hard my ears popped.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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