She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
