I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
