It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
