I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
