Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
