If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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