Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
