So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I think I won the penis lottery.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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