What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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